thelesbiandatingbook.com

 Lesbian dating Survey

for Single Lesbians and Single Bisexual Women

by Erin Howard, MSW and Michele O'Mara, LCSW

 

 

The following questions have been devised by Erin Howard, MSW and Michele O'Mara, LCSW in an effort to gather real data from real lesbians, and bisexual women, about dating.  It's not an easy task to make sense of the world of lesbian dating, but somebody's got to do it, right?

 

 

All survey responses are anonymous.  We do not request email addresses, and we receive the forms without a return address so that your identity will remain 100% anonymous to us and everyone else.  Please be honest.  The results will not be meaningful otherwise.  Enjoy the questions!

 

*must be age 18 or older to complete*

About You

City/State         Your Age      Race/ethnicity   

Religion        Occupation   

# children you have?                 # cats do you have?      # dogs do you have?

Highest Ed Level:  High School Some College Bachelors  Masters Doctorate 

 

RELATIONSHIP STATUS (check all that apply)

Single and looking  

Single and NOT 

       looking 

Heartbroken 

Widowed  

Partnered and Looking

Dating /Monogamous 

Dating Around 

Committed 

 

Unfaithfully committed

Married to man, 

     monogamous with 

     another woman 

 

Polyamorous relationship

Never dated and want to  

Married to man, dating 

      women

Other

If none of the above, explain:

 

Which describes you? (Though we're not fans of labels, we are curious if you self-identify as any of these - check all, if any, that apply)

Lesbian

Nerd 

Top  

Artist  

Drinker 

Heterosexual

Lipstick lesbian

Player

Normal 

Wants children

Bisexual

Earthy

Professional

Monogamous

Doesn't want children

Without children

Bi-curious

Sporty

Butch

Transgender

Feminine

Old school 

Loner 

Non smoker 

Smoker 

Rides motorcycles 

Spiritual 

Religious 

Tattoos/piercing 

Good grammar 

Wears Birkenstocks  

Wears heels

Heterosexually married 

Heterosexually divorced 

Out 

Closeted  

Musician 

Athlete  

Funny 

Passive  

Serious  

Assertive  

Creative  

Romantic   

Intelligent 

Barfly

Likes pets

Has pets 

Dyke 

Masculine

Activist

No lesbian experience

Doesn't want/have pets

Queer

Androgynous (not masculine,  

     not feminine) 

Feminist 

Vegetarian

Soft butch

Bottom

Drama queen

Lesbian mom 

Non drinker

Talkative

Driven/Motivated

Predictable  

Honest 

Wear deodorants/perfumes

Doesn't Wear 

     deodorants/perfumes

 

Tall  

Short  

Average height 

Plus size 

Average size  

Petite  

Nice legs 

Nice smile 

Nice hands  

Nice derrière 

Pretty face 

Nice eyes 

Short hair 

Average length hair 

Long hair  

Doesn't shave legs/pits  

Shave legs/pits 

Physically fit

Fashion conscious  

Good hygiene 

Good dental care/teeth

Comfortable in a dress

 

Any additional labels you identify with that are not listed? 

                 

SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Lesbian Bisexual Bi-curious  I'm not gay, I just love my partner Confused No labels, please

Other 

 

Searching

What does dating mean to you?

  

Check all of the following that you prefer in a potential partner.  Anything that doesn't apply, or doesn't matter to you, leave blank.

Lesbian

Nerd 

Top  

Artist  

Drinker 

Heterosexual

Lipstick lesbian

Player

Normal 

Wants children

Bisexual

Earthy

Professional

Monogamous

Doesn't want children

Without children

Bi-curious

Sporty

Butch

Transgender

Feminine

Old school 

Loner 

Non smoker 

Smoker 

Rides motorcycles 

Spiritual 

Religious 

Tattoos/piercing 

Good grammar 

Wear Birkenstocks  

Wears heels

Heterosexually married

Heterosexually divorced 

Out 

Closeted  

Musician 

Athlete  

Funny 

Passive  

Serious  

Assertive  

Creative  

Romantic   

Intelligent 

Barfly

Likes pets

Has pets 

Dyke 

Masculine

Activist

No lesbian experience

Doesn't want/have pets

Queer

Androgynous (not  

     masculine, not feminine) 

Feminist 

Vegetarian

Soft butch

Bottom

Drama-queen

Lesbian mom 

Non drinker

Talkative

Driven/motivated

Predictable  

Honest 

Wear deodorants/perfumes

Doesn't wear 

     deodorants/perfumes

Tall  

Short  

Average height 

Plus size 

Average size  

Petite  

Nice legs 

Nice smile 

Nice hands  

Nice derrière 

Pretty face 

Nice eyes 

Short hair 

Average length hair  

Long hair  

Doesn't shave legs/pits  

Shave legs/pits 

Physically fit

Fashion conscious  

Good hygiene 

Good dental care/teeth

Comfortable in a dress

 

Other preferred characteristics of your potential partner that are not listed? 

              

Check all of the following that are ESSENTIAL to you or that you MUST HAVE in a potential partner.

Lesbian

Nerd 

Top  

Artist  

Drinker 

Heterosexual

Lipstick lesbian

Player

Normal 

Wants children

Bisexual

Earthy

Professional

Monogamous

Doesn't want children

Without children

Bi-curious

Sporty

Butch

Transgender

Feminine

Old school 

Loner 

Non smoker 

Smoker 

Rides motorcycles

Spiritual 

Religious 

Tattoos/piercing 

Good grammar 

Wear Birkenstocks  

Heterosexually married

Heterosexually divorced 

Out 

Closeted  

Musician 

Athlete  

Funny 

Passive  

Serious  

Assertive  

Creative  

Romantic   

Intelligent 

Barfly

Likes pets

Has pets 

Dyke 

Masculine

Activist

No lesbian experience

Doesn't want or have pets

Queer

Androgynous (not masculine,  

     not feminine) 

Feminist 

Vegetarian

Soft Butch

Bottom

Drama queen

Lesbian mom 

Non drinker

Talkative

Driven/Motivated

Predictable  

Honest 

Wear deodorants/perfumes

Doesn't wear 

     deodorants/perfumes

Tall  

Short  

Average height 

Plus size 

Average size  

Petite  

Nice legs 

Nice smile 

Nice hands  

Nice derrière 

Pretty face 

Nice eyes 

Short hair 

Average length hair  

Long hair  

Doesn't shave legs/pits  

Shave legs/pits 

Physically fit

Fashion conscious  

Good hygiene 

Good dental care/teeth

Comfortable in a dress

 

Other MUST HAVE characteristics of your potential partner that are not listed? 

              

Dating Efforts

Do you flirt?

Yes, often Yes, occasionally  No, not really Only if interested in someone I don't know if I flirt or not

What is  flirting?

 

What has been most difficult, if anything about asking someone out?

  

If you meet someone and she is in a relationship, is it okay to pursue her?  

Yes No Depends on Circumstances

If you are interested in someone are you willing to initiate or ask her out?

Yes No Depends on Circumstances

Are there signs of interest you must see before asking someone out? 

Yes No, If I'm interested I ask  

How would you describe your experience meeting other single lesbians?

It's Easy It's somewhat easy It's Somewhat difficult  It's difficult I haven't met any other lesbians yet 

 

Check all of the steps have you taken to find potential women to date?

None

Making my sexual orientation known around women 

     I'm interested in dating

Noticing women that interest me

Asking others to introduce me

Going on blind dates

Going to lesbian friendly bookstores

Visiting lesbian vacation spots, lesbian cruises, or other  

      lesbian travel adventures

Attending church

Attending sporting events

Playing/Watching organized recreational sports (i.e. 

      softball, basketball, golf, volleyball)

Attending potlucks, game nights, book clubs and other 

      lesbian-specific social activities

Joining GLBT professional groups and associations

Registering for online dating service

Attending lesbian single's functions

Reading/responding to personals

Attending school, classes, hobbies, clubs, etc

Volunteer with gay friendly organizations

Involve self with GLBT advocacy organizations and activities

Attending gay/lesbian friend's parties

Joining fitness center

Self-help groups

What other steps have you taken to find potential women to date?

Dating History

How many woman, total, have you dated in your life?                                

How long ago did you begin dating women?                                     Yrs and Mo's

What is your longest period of time, single, between women?    Yrs and Mo's               

What is your longest term relationship?                                                      Yrs and Mo's

What is the best part of dating?

What is the worst part of dating?

Dating

What would you say are the top five  ways/places to meet single lesbians?  

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

 

Which do you consider good first date activities?

None  

Coffee date  

Share a meal  

A walk  

Cooking for your date

Religious service 

Self-help meeting  

Drinks  

Sporting event  

A party  

Activity with lots of 

      people 

Rent movie/carry-out

Meet up with friends  

Working out

Going shopping/mall

Watch TV show

Political event

Movie Theatre   

Bowling  

Play/Concert/Live 

      entertainment 

Queer event - march, 

      pride, etc.

 

Other first-date activities you might recommend?

 

Describe the best date you've been on.

 

What made it so good? 

Conversation   

Eye contact 

First Date 

Energy/Connection 

Fun/Humor 

Spontaneity

The activity/event of our 

      date 

She wanted to see me 

      again

Seemed she liked me

I liked her 

 

Our kiss 

Sex  

Her personality

 

Other reasons your date was so good?

 

Describe the worst date you've been on.

What made it so bad?

Conversation   

Eye contact 

First Date 

Energy/connection 

Fun/humor 

Spontaneity

The activity/event of our 

      date 

She wanted to see me 

      again

Seemed she liked me

I liked her 

 

Our kiss 

Sex  

Her personality

 

Other reasons your date was so bad?

 

What are the biggest challenges to dating? 

Meeting available

     Women 

Expense of dating 

Gossip/rumors/reputations

Fear of rejection

Fear of being seen on 

      date

No one asks me out

Leaving my pets at home 

I'm not out 

Knowing the difference 

      between getting to know 

      a new friend and "is 

      this a date?"

Other challenges to dating?

 

Have you ever been out with another woman and wondered is this a date?   Yes No

 

 

Do you believe you have one soul mate?   Yes No  Not Certain   

Have you met her? Yes No  I don't believe in them 

 

 

Do you kiss on the first date?         Yes No  Depends    I'm not interested in sex

 

How long do you date before having sex?

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Until we are committed/married Other

 

Do you have sex on the first date? Yes No  Depends    I'm not interested in sex

 

Do you believe in love at first site? Yes No  Not Certain 

 

How long do you  typically date before committing?

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never have Other

 

How long do you think you should date before saying "I love you?"

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Until we are committed/married Other

 

Commitment

 

What is your definition commitment?

 

Have you made a commitment to every woman you have dated?  Yes No

 

How would you describe an intimate relationships?

 

Have you ever lived with someone with whom you were in an intimate relationship?  Yes No 

 

What percentage of the women that you have dated have you lived with?

  0%  10%   20%    25%  30% 40%   50%    60%  70%  80%   90%    100%

 

What is the shortest time you have dated someone before moving in together?

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Moved in  Other

 

How long before you introduce someone you are dating to your friends? 

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Until we are committed/married Other

 

How long before you introduce someone you are dating to your family? 

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Until we are committed/married Other

 

How long do you typically date someone before saying to them, "I love you?"

First date 1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year  

Longer than a year  Never Until we are committed/married Other

Your Influences

 

Do your friends have a say in who you date?  Yes No

 

What are warning signs that someone is not a good fit for you?

Different Interests 

Different reality 

Different sense of humor

Caught them in a lie 

Their relationship history

No chemistry 

Different values

Doesn't respect my 

      boundaries 

They have kids 

They don't want kids 

Their friends concern you

Gossip you hear about 

      them

They call too frequently

Personality differences

They don't like your 

      friends

They don't call enough

Communication challenge

They treated wait staff 

      poorly

They don't ask about you 

Excessive drinking/drug use 

Her relationship with an 

     ex or friend 

How they deal with 

      conflict 

Differences in life goals 

Differing sex drives 

What are other signs for you that a person is not a good fit? 

 

 

How many times do you go out before you decide if a person is a good fit for you?

I decide this before I date at all  1 -2 3-4 4-5 6-7 8-9 10-15 15-20 More than 20 

Other

 

Where do you go for relationship advice?

No One Friends Family Books Ex's  Therapist Life Coach Celebrity Hosts (i.e. Dr. Phil)

Religious leader  Co-worker(s) Others

 

Who's opinion counts most regarding who you are dating?

My Own Friends Family Ex's  Therapist Life Coach Religious leader  Co-worker(s) 

Others

 

The Exit

How do you stop dating someone you are not interested in?

Tell them it's not working out for you Stop calling them Start seeing someone else Avoid them

Disappoint them so they choose to go away 

Other

 

How long should a person be out of their last relationship before dating again?

1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year   Longer than a year  

Time doesn't matter Other

 

When you have left a relationship, how long has it typically been since you felt ready to date again?  (check all that apply)

1 week 2 Weeks 3 Weeks 1 Month 3 Months 6 Months 1 year   Longer than a year  

Time doesn't matter Other

 

What Else?

 

What do you think a book on Lesbian Dating MUST include - things you wish you knew, or could have known, before dating?

I consent to the use of my anonymous responses by Erin Howard and Michele O'Mara, to be used in print or via the Internet, as needed.  I realize that my exact words as provided on this survey, may appear in an upcoming publication, or online.