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Sex: Part II

by Michele O'Mara, LCSW

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So what's the big deal about sex? Some want it, some don't. Truth is, there are all sorts of things in life we want, but don't necessarily get. Why then, is sex perceived by so many as some sort of human right or fundamental ingredient in a relationship?

As it turns out, the way we are engineered as human beings reveals that sex has value that transcends the bodily pleasures we have come to enjoy as a result of these activities! There are several reasons why regular sexual activity in our primary, committed relationships is important. Read on to discover what some of these reasons are.

Sex Releases Bonding Hormones

In romantic love, when two people have sex, oxytocin is released, which helps bond the relationship. According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, the hormone oxytocin has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people." When it is released during orgasm, it begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond.

Sex Can Create a Unique Spiritual Connection

Sex is unlike any other communication available to us. There is no other form of communication that joins so many aspects of who we are with another. In a single act - making love - we are able to share our bodies, our mind and our spirits with another. With sexual intimacy, we can communicate on various levels simultaneously and we can do this with or without the use of words - achieving one of the most complicated and in many ways evolved form of communication with another. Having sex, in and of itself, does not achieve this form of spiritual connection. The spiritual piece of the connection is having something deeply personal, emotional, and heartfelt to communicate with your body.

Sex is a Form of Communication

Sex is a way of communicating a desire to be close, loving and connected. Sex is a language in and of itself - and when it is shared by two people those two people can continually expand their vocabulary and fine-tune the meanings of certain interactions. This type of communication requires the same level of attentiveness, listening, and clarification as talking does. Like verbal communication, there is room for misunderstanding and disconnection.

Great Sex Comes From Great Relationships

Sex is not the key to love; love is the key to sex. A great relationship can create great sex, but great sex (alone) can not create a great relationship. The more you develop your emotional connection, the more satisfying and pleasurable your physical connection can be.

Skill and technique are part of the equation; however, unresolved anger and resentment, or unaddressed fears and hurts can prevent even the most skilled lovers from having effective and satisfying sexual connections.

Sex Is a Natural Desire

We humans have a naturally occurring sex drive that is hormonally driven and varies in intensity from person-to-person. If we are in a committed, monogamous relationship and sex is not a part of this relationship - for whatever reason - then where and how is that need supposed to be met? By insuring the health of your sexual connection in the context of your relationship you are able to prevent the build up of sexual tension, resentment, and feelings of hurt and rejection that sometimes can lead the sexually starved partner to stray.

Insuring the health of your sexual relationship is as important as insuring the health of all other forms of communication in your relationship. Next month we will focus on common reasons for sexual challenges in relationships and remedies to start addressing these concerns.

This is the second installment of a three part series. The first part is Sex in Monogamous Relationships, and the third is Low Sex-Drive:  Issues and Responses