Recently I opened an email in
which I was asked, "How can I balance being true to
myself while pleasing my partner?" That's what we
all want to know, isn't it? How can I be in a
relationship without compromising who I AM?
A relationship is an
investment. In fact, I believe it is the most
valuable investment we will ever make. We are
essentially offering up ourselves to share with another
person, believing that by doing so our life will be
better. In order to have something to invest,
though, we must aquaint ourselves with what we have to
offer someone. This requires knowing who we are, what
our needs are, and who we want to become in our
lifetime. No small task, right?
The good news is that
investing ourselves in a relationship has many rewards
when we invest wisely! By combining our strengths
with our partner's strengths we are essentially
expanding the resources from which we can both draw as
we navigate life. Typically the strengths we have to
offer are complimentary. For example, one partner may
offer spontaneity and fun while the other provides
security and stability.
Sounds good, right? So why
does being in a relationship seem more complicated than
that? Well probably because of a thing called the Power
Struggle. This is a natural, healthy stage in
relationship development that occurs when each partner
works to establish his own identity within the
relationship. The power struggle begins when differences
start to surface. And herein lies the challenge. How
do I maintain my independence and personal integrity
while being a good partner?
In OUTstanding relationships,
the question is never, will I be able to get my needs
met? The question instead, is, what needs to
happen so that we are both able to get our needs met
without taking away from our relationship? The
difficulty of course, is determining what exactly your
needs are, (not your wants, mind you - but your needs
which support your highest good!) We must evaluate the
requests made of us by our partners, and determine when
they are in our best interest and when they are not.
Cindy thinks her partner is
controlling because she wants her to stop smoking
marijuana. Is that controlling? Or is her partner
tending to her most precious investment: her
relationship with Cindy?
Kara says her partner wants
her to open up and share her feelings more freely. Kara
says she resents her partner's sudden interest in her
being more open and shouldn't have to change who she has
always been just to please her partner. Is Kara
exercising self-care, or is she rejecting her partner's
invitation for her to grow?
Ed says his partner wants him
to stop going to therapy because therapy is for the
weak-minded. Is Ed's partner making a healthy request,
or possibly acting out of fear for the unknown of what
might happen if Ed goes to therapy?
Often we confuse our
highest high, with our highest good. Our highest
high is that which feels good, at any cost! Our highest
good, is that which moves us closer to being the person
we want to be. In fact, behaving according to our
highest good doesn't always feel good. Take Kara for
example. Because she is not used to sharing her
feelings, it is scary and very uncomfortable for her to
open up. Her fears and discomfort automatically make her
think it's not a good thing for her to do. However, the
pain involved does not mean it is not in her highest
good, it simply means it is difficult. Just think about
exercise! If we waited for working out to feel good, we
might never run or lift weights! Likewise, just because
something feels good, like smoking marijuana for
example, doesn't mean that we must cling to it in order
to be "true to ourselves."
Knowing the difference between
our highest good and our highest high is critical! Now
in Ed's case, his partner wants him to stop going to
therapy. He has decided it's time to really explore why
he's unhappy. Therapy is an exercise in self-care for
him, and because doing so does not take away from their
relationship, Ed may have to confront the issue with his
partner as an act of self-care.
Couple's with
OUTstanding relationships don't confuse their partner's
healthy requests with efforts to change or control
- they know that their partner is simply tending to her
most precious investment: the relationship she shares
with you.
What has your partner asked of
you lately? Is this request something that will
ultimately add to your life, or take away from your
life? Is his request in line with the person you want to
be, or does it conflict with who you want to be? Are you
open to your partner's healthy requests?
Your challenge, should you
choose to accept it is to list the top three requests
that you commonly hear from your partner, friends, and
other loved ones and identify one thing from that list
that you can start doing differently today.